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YouTube Tag: Why we should all be feminists.

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Watching this video by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie changed my whole perspective about “Feminist”. Each time I had an opinion of how things should be and what i want for myself in life, I hear people asking me “Are you a feminist?”

I shared my opinion about something few months ago on my Instagram page and a message was sent to be by someone i use to be close with asking “are you a feminist”. i had to say i’m not one to make myself follow the norm of how it should be. I’m trying to unlearn lots of rubbish i have learnt when it comes to “Feminism”.

I’m a feminist, I believe there should be equal right between a man and a woman. Don’t tell me I can’t do some certain things because I’m a woman.

 

I’m doing this Youtube tag hoping someone will learn some things from this talk by Chimamanda Ngozi because I definitely learnt a lot.

 

 

Randy grandpa is 70years old and still in a loving relationship.

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Image gotten from goggle
Image gotten from goggle

 

I went out to get noodles and I saw grandma. I was really excited to see her. She was one of those people who made growing up great for me. Grandma said she was going to church to drop a package for her pastor and I helped her carry the package. The church was few houses away from mine.

While we were walking, she told me about grandpa’s 70th birthday. She was talking with so much fulfillment, happiness, admiration and love. I was happy for her.
Grandpa and Grandma have been married for over 40years!
Grandpa was my father’s friend and has been checking up on us regularly since Dad died.

 

He is a retired government official, grandma worked with a private law firm before she retired. They were very comfortable.
Grandma is everything a good woman should be. She’s smart, kind, accommodating, loyal and beautiful. I loved her already but I loved her more when I went into her room for the first time and saw her book shelf stacked with some books written by my favorite authors. The likes of Nora Robert and Daniel Steele, the list is endless. She has varieties of books from different authors (I loved reading books as a teenager).

 

They also had their cute granddaughter living with them at that time. She is all grown up now. I love kids too. See combo: kid and books (inserts big grin).
I became a regular visitor in their house, helping their granddaughter with school work and taking as many books as I wanted. I was so excited about taking books to read …I literally read her library in a week! [ now that’s an exaggeration].

 

My sisters were having a conversation one day and I overheard one of them saying that grandpa made sexual advances towards her. I was stunned and I couldn’t let go of my disappointment in a rush. For days I kept on wondering why and how grandpa could be so randy and shameless…was so unbelievable! He wasn’t even considering the fact that she was his late friend’s daughter. I wished I didn’t hear that conversation that day.
I felt really bad, thinking of grandma and what she might probably be going through in their marriage. Grandma is so nice, she didn’t deserve this.

 

So many times young girls in the neighborhood complained about him making advances towards them. He attempted to try his luck on one of my friends. I caught him in the act once.
And from that moment I knew Grandpa was an older typical Yoruba demon.

 

I was always feeling so embarrassed for his wife because I knew she didn’t deserve someone like that. But Grandma never mentioned anything about Grandpas’ attitude to anybody and I’m sure Grandma knew about it; grandpa was too loose not to be caught. She probably didn’t want to talk about it. I usually felt guilty each time I went to see her and stopped going to their house frequently.

 

I returned books I borrowed, most times through their granddaughter. I was too young to have myself muddled up in that kind of situation.

 

Seeing her today I wanted to ask her how she coped but I couldn’t bring myself to.
It crossed my mind that she’s a typical African woman who is just glad her husband didn’t take a second wife even though he was ridiculing her with all the younger girls and women he was sleeping with. I’m sure Grandma grew up with the notion that divorce was evil and she must stay married regardless of the situation with her husband. (My thoughts)
Grandma must have been going through a whole lot….funny how, she was always happy and smiling. She didn’t let her husband’s cheating nature get the better part of her; to an extent she saved her marriage.

 

What do you think? Why did she decide to stay with his cheating ass? Please drop your comment below.

Travel review: My trip to PortHarcourt

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Mirror selfie at Big Treat Restaurant PH

 

 

Hi everyone! I want to share my travel review. I do not really have much to say because I came out just a night and the morning I was coming back to Lagos. I went for youth convention.

We left Lagos 6am and got to portharcourt 4pm ( 11hours journey by road). I thought it was going to be one of the longest boring journey of my life, even though I haven’t traveled much (first time traveling far).

One thing about traveling, it’s more interesting when you travel with your friends. All the way from Lagos to portharcourt was fun. I’m just surprised at the way we always have something to do, it’s either we gist about life, relationship, love and sing. I was able to sleep for just 2hours during the journey.

Getting to portharcourt we dropped at Choba, opposite university of portharcourt, which use to be my dream school while growing up to study petrochemical engineering but when I found out physics is very hard. I switched to university of Ibadan wanting to study medicine. But here I am, a biologist.
It would have been really nice to have a tour around the university. Next time I am in portharcourt, that’s going to be part of my to do list.

Our camp was at the Redeemed regional camp and gardens at Aluu, Mbodo. It’s a camp for retreat, recreation and relaxation. Beautiful view, comfortable hostel and a serene environment. It was so peaceful. It’s a place I can spend forever, if you give me food, books and data. *winks*

Entrance to the camp

The camp program was really educative, fun, inspirational and there was a difference in my spiritual life.

The relationship segment was one of my favorite part of the program. The segment was taken by the best seller author of “Your dream can change the world”, Joe Igboanugo. I had to get his new book “Get married in 12months”. ( I hope I do ).

The camp activities lasted for 3days and I was impressed with the food served at the camp. But on Thursday, lots of people were purging including me. We were told it’s the packaging of the food that caused the purging. Thank God it wasn’t serious though.

Friday was my last night at portharcourt and it’s only food that could bring me out of the camp because there was no food. We were all craving for a proper meal. I have also been looking for an opportunity to come out and explore. What better way to start my adventure. Dang! I was so happy.
Plus the adventurer in me has been restless when it looks like I wouldn’t be able to explore. I just needed to see some places, even if the few places are restaurants, I don’t mind. I just wanted to explore the small part of PortHarcourt I can for just that night.
I wanted to get boli and fish, but I was told it’s too late to get any at the time we left the camp (9pm).

It would have been a sin if I didn’t get boli and fish while in Portharcourt because that was one of the things I was looking forward to. The boli and fish was the highlight of my trip which I was able to get the next morning.

View from camp lecture room

Our first stop was Big treat restaurant at Rukpokwu. I was surprised they don’t have food anymore at 9pm. I am very sure that kind of a thing can’t happen in a restaurant like Big Treat in Lagos. We had to go somewhere else; shining light fast food still on Rukpokwu road. ( I have problem pronouncing the town names).

Going around PH at night was really fun, we were stuck in traffic for some minutes, but it was not terrible like Lagos traffic.
We spent about an hour outside the camp.
The only thing I don’t like was the bad network at camp. What is life without data? (Airtel).
Coming back to Lagos in the morning we passed through different towns. Portharcourt is such a big city. I noticed transport business is a lucrative business over there. Lots of business are even thriving over there. It’s just like Lagos, anything goes.

Portharcourt boli ( Roasted plantain )

Portharcourt is definitely a city I would love to live and visit over and over again.

If you are traveling by road please ensure you board bus at a park. Things are though in this country and there are lots of kidnapping stories we hear daily. Do not say because it’s cheaper outside the park, you will not board any bus inside the park. Be security conscious.

Have you ever been to PortHarcourt? What are the memorable things you did while there? Please share.

 

 

 

Be inspired! My regular keke driver relocates from Lagos to Abroad

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My regular keke driver has become an IJGB ( i just got back) while I’m still here. I decided to share this story hoping it inspire someone. The abroad is KENYA.

Going to work everyday, especially the days I get to work early [ I don’t go early anymore, I’m now a certified latecomer]. I have a regular keke driver that normally drop me at the office from the bus stop.
Usually, it takes time for people to fill up the keke because that’s not their main park. It takes up to 10minutes at times for the keke to move. Anytime I’m waiting for the keke to move, I just press my phone [lots of E books to read].

Then one day, I wasn’t interested in pressing my phone and I started a conversation with the driver I’m used to. I was just talking about how long it takes the keke to move and we started talking about other things from there.

His name is Segun. He is dark, not too tall, dress nicely and speaks well. I have always been wondering how such a nice looking guy is driving keke. I guessed that was one of the reasons i started a conversation with him. But been the first time I’m talking to him, I couldn’t ask.

 

From that day, we started talking each time he happens to be my driver. Just weather talk and how’s business kinda talk. I never got the chance to have a deep conversation with him. I’m just curious about him because he’s obviously educated. God help our educational system that made graduates beggars.

 

Some weeks, after we started talking, I went to the market close to my office to buy lunch and some office supplies. After shopping for what I went to get, I had to wait for keke to come by because I don’t like using bike on express roads. And to get keke from the market to GRA is usually hard, thankfully I saw Segun (regular keke driver) drive by and I hailed him down. Fortunately, he was going towards my office. We started our weather and business talk as usual. He told me it’s his birthday that day and I wished him happy birthday, asked where the turn up is ( I like turn up).

It was a perfect opportunity to ask him why he is driving keke. I asked him and we had the following conversation;

BUSAYO: Sorry to ask oo, but why are you driving keke, you look decent and educated.
SEGUN: (smiles) Aunty I am a graduate oo, should I give you my CV maybe you have vacancy in your workplace?
BUSAYO: (laughs) ok, but we do not have vacancy now, I will definitely tell you when we do.
How long have you been driving this keke and hope you don’t mind my questions?
SEGUN: I don’t mind, it’s okay. It’s rare to see people ask me questions like this. I have been driving keke since I was in school.
BUSAYO: Really? Wow that’s nice.
SEGUN: This is what I use to do big boy in school. People just see me living well in school, they don’t know how I come to Lagos weekends to drive keke.
BUSAYO: That’s really nice. You are a real hustler. This business must be really lucrative.
SEGUN: it is, if you know what you are doing. I have two keke, I gave one to my friend who is down financially. When I’m in dire need of money, I can make 7k a day.
BUSAYO: wow ( thinking in my head 7000*7=49,000. A month salary). So this job has money like this. We got to my office and he didn’t collect my transport fare , told me to use it as birthday drink. I thanked him and he said this to me as parting words, “the job has money but it’s a dirty job “. I told him it is well, he should look at the bright side.

Few months after we had this conversation, I stopped seeing him around . I thought he finally got a good job.

Few days ago, I saw him at the park, not as a driver. He said “I came around to greet my people “. And I asked him where he has been? I was even teasing him that he travelled abroad shey. He was just smiling.
I changed topic and started complaining about the same thing I usually complain about, and I asked if he’s back fully. He said no, that he actually traveled to KENYA. He only came back to Nigeria to tidy up some few things because he is relocating to KENYA. I was happy for him and congratulated him.

From keke money, he was able to travel out of the country. There’s truly dignity in labour.

Moral of the story: no job is too small, or too dirty till you are able to achieve your dreams. I don’t know his dreams or aspirations in life, but the few times I have spent with him, I know this is someone who is willing to go the extra mile to succeed. He’s not waiting for a job on a platter of gold. If you are in a waiting period please do something, learn anything. Don’t be idle please.

 

I hope someone learnt some things from this story. What inspired you about this story? Please drop a comment.

 

From victim to victory

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How I Overcame the depression of been sexually molested twice at a tender age.

Coming out and sharing my story is making myself really vulnerable, but writing my story down has been one of the ways I healed. I hope someone learn a few things from this.

 

Growing up, I lived with my grandmother in Abeokuta until she passed away. My mum being an only child, my grandma pampered me a lot. I felt loved living with her and she was my everything. I was so hyperactive, bubbling , intelligent and very happy. Everyone liked me, so I thought.

 

The first sexual molestation started when I was 7years old. I can remember how the bed looked like, though I can’t remember his face.

He was a family friend, let’s call him Tobi. Tobi was a trusted family friend, he usually came around to play in my house. My grandma liked him a lot. He lives five blocks away from my house.

He came around like every other day and took me to his house, I guessed that was not the first time I had been going to his house. When we got to the house, I was still my usual hyper active self. But I noticed we were alone.
While I was still playing, he pushed me on the bed. I thought he was playing and I was laughing.
Immediately he laid on me, I knew it was not right and I started crying, I want to go home but he wouldn’t listen. I started screaming, he covered my mouth with his hand and used his other hand to grapple me all over my body. I didn’t understand what he was doing, but I knew it’s bad.

 

After he finished, he warned me not to tell anybody and took me home. When I got home, I was still crying and my grandma asked me what happened. I told her what he did to me and she was really angry, I have never seen her that angry and I taught I did something wrong until she hugged me and said everything will be alright.

 

I did not know what happened to him but since that day, I stopped seeing him in my house or anywhere around the neighborhood. But I knew my grandmother’s love and I didn’t really think much about that day except the few nightmares I usually had. Till today I don’t know what happened to him and I didn’t ask.

Few years later my grandma died and that was the very first time in my life I felt so sad, rejected and all sorts of pains I have never felt before, not knowing more pains are coming. No matter what I went through after her death, that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life.
The whole world was still merry and my whole world was shattered. I was like how can someone like this die and the whole world is still moving. Apart from my mum she’s the only person I knew that loved me without any doubt and for no reason. I was 9years old when my grandma died.

At age 11, (2005) my dad died and I had to move down to Lagos from Abeokuta. I wished above all things my daddy was alive and in my imaginations I thought about us living together happily ever after.
Moving down to Lagos, I was so excited and looking forward to my new life, even though I don’t have a daddy anymore. I was used to people leaving, it wasn’t much of a pain. I had my whole new life planned in my head.

My family in Lagos is a big one, we have lots of family members living with us. I started school, made new friends both in school and church. Life was good. Going to church and learning about Christ love for me was great because I have never been to church before, living with my grandma who is a staunch Muslim.

 

Few months after settling down in Lagos, the sexual molestation started. I have never been taught sexual education, but I knew its something very wrong like the first one. My house is a 2 bedroom, we have girls and boys room with a big sitting room. That particular night, we did not have light and there was heat, some of us moved to the sitting room. Two people slept on the 2 sofa and the rest of us slept on the mat. I slept on the mat with a male relative and two other people.

While we were sleeping, he started touching me all over my body,and I taught I was dreaming. I woke up and saw some white transparent slippery substance on me (I later found out it’s sperm). As at then, I didn’t understand what it meant. I was 12years old and no one has ever taught me about sexual education. I stood up and went to the bathroom to clean up my body really confused, I couldn’t talk to anybody. I’m always being bullied about my pronunciation, and everything I do generally. These are people I didn’t grow up with. I felt really alone.

 

After that night, I stopped been anywhere near him, the family is really big which should have been easy to avoid him but he always found a way to come near me.

 

Everyday after school, I usually take a nap for an hour. I was alone in the house a month after the first abuse. I thought I was alone, he came into the room and laid beside me touching me again, immediately I woke up. He told me “if you tell anybody, I’m going to kill you”. Since then, each time he finds me alone, he will do unimaginable things to me.

I became withdrawn, stopped talking at home and I slept a lot. Oh how much solitude I found in sleeping. I wished I could sleep and not wake up again.
For months the abuse went on and I couldn’t tell anybody. I thought I was a bad person, how could my grandma and daddy die and I have to be going through this. I became so intimidated, ugly to myself, rotten and damaged. I thought I did something really bad because my teacher once told me “bad things happen to bad people”. I usually felt guilty so guilty even for things I didn’t do.

 

I’m someone that plays a lot while growing up, takes lot of risks, stubborn and hyperactive. None of them noticed because I didn’t grow up with them. They taught I was quiet. I had lots of battles going on inside of me. Each day, I dread going back home from school and they usually punish me for coming late home when others are already home. I love going to church, not because I knew I could talk to God, I just know Him and I taught He has forsaken me. I heard lots of preaching but I wasn’t listening. I just needed to be far away from home and all the battles going on inside of me.

 

I hated myself and everybody around me. I just want to be faraway from all these pains and it felt as if I was asking for too much. I was ashamed of myself and my body. Thinking back to what happened, I think one of the reasons I didn’t talk was because I was ashamed.

Then he got admission into university and went far away. I was so happy because I knew finally I’m free. I started secondary school and was coming out of my shell . Each time I wanted to start thinking about it, i slept. While he was away, a distant cousin came to join us, she is one of those people you don’t have a choice but to warm up to.
A year after he went to school, he came back home during Nigeria last census (2006). He was looking so happy and living without no care in the world. The hatred I had for him started again, seeing him made me so angry with murderous thought inside of me.

Two nights after he came back, I was alone again inside my room, my cousin went for evening service. He came into my room, thinking i was sleeping and was about to touch me. I sprang up from the bed and started shouting. He got scared and left the room. When my cousin came back from church, I told her what he was about to do to me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what he has been doing to me. She was really angry, confronted him and told the whole family.

He stopped coming near me since then. His mum called the next day and was apologizing saying “he’s family “. I didn’t know what to do, I just hated all of them more. I never let anyone close to me. My best friends became novels and sleep. If I’m not in school, I’m either reading or sleeping.

I read novels to be in other people fantasy. I don’t read school books, I only do school books a day to exam, thank God for photographic memory.

I read harlequin romance and other erotic novels.

I almost lost my childhood. Reading novels helped me both in a positive and negative way. You will be surprised with how many friends you can make with a novel in your hand. Reading those novels became a passion, I have to exchange with people and that made me to start making friends with people who also like reading novels. Gradually, I came out of my shell, I made friends but I didn’t let them come close to know the kind of battles I fought within.

The abuse was over but I wasn’t free. I have all these emotions and hatred bottled inside of me that needs to be out. I really want to be free but I was going about it in a wrong way reading novels that exposed my mind to lots of things.

If you have read some of Harlequin romance novels before, you will know how erotic they are. I started masturbating and breaking rules. I became really stubborn. I just wanted to be noticed. And I was noticed with plenty scars to show for it. Everyone always have something to say about me. I gave them all tough times, that’s the only way I know I can be heard.

After secondary school [ 6years after been sexually molested], I still didn’t talk to anybody about it. I changed church and met Mr Sola Shadeko the author of, “You are a gift”.
Mr Sola became an elder brother and someone I look up to. He gave me his book for free. That was my first motivational book. I never knew books like that exist. The only book I know was novels and school books. I can’t remember most of the contents of the book but reading that book opened my eyes to lots of things and I know I have to talk to someone.

I called him and told him I was sexually molested as a kid twice, I didn’t go into details but that was the first time in 6years I opened my mouth to anyone about my ordeal. Talking to Mr Sola was one of the things that helped me. He told me to always write down my thoughts especially when I can’t talk to anybody. He also said God listens, talk to Him. That was when I started writing, I got a notebook and wrote my thoughts on the notebook.

I know God listens but I can’t talk to Him, I felt rotten and forsaken, how can someone like me stand before Him. I had an inner battle oh it was great but finally I prayed but I know my mind wasn’t fully on the things I was saying. I was still angry about a lot of things, I was even still harboring hatred inside of me. I still do not see myself as someone special.

The battle was on and off in my mind for some time until I finally let go of everything, I cried my eyes out. I know I have to forgive him not because he deserves it, but because I deserve to be happy. I didn’t ask for any of the things I went through. I am just a little girl who wants to be happy with a normal childhood. I refused to let my ordeal define who I am. I refused to be intimidated.

It took a long while but I finally realized I’m special, beautiful, strong, intelligent, fun, adventurous and so many other great things. I’m a house set on a hill that cannot be hidden. My light is meant to shine all over the surface of the earth. I’m totally free. God never gave up on me. God is just starting with me.
If you meet me today and you never heard my story, you wouldn’t believe I went through all this because i don’t live in my past, I live in my bright future.
I still read novels but I stay away from the erotic ones, I do more of Stephen Kings and any other action and adventure novel. Sleeping as an addiction is hard to get rid of but I try to be busy at all times.
God never gave up on me that’s all that matters. I’m not there yet but I’m stronger and I talk to God because I know he’s ready to hear all my troubles at all times.

Lessons from my story; to anyone going through this or has been through this.
* Talk: Do not be afraid of your abuser. Always talk. Talking changes a whole lot of things. It makes people know who he is truly is. Talk so that there wouldn’t be another victim.
* Don’t be ashamed: whatever he did to you, do not be ashamed to talk.
* It’s not your fault: it is never your fault. No matter what you went through, it’s never your fault.
* You are not alone: this was one of the mistakes I made, I thought I was alone. I let hatred blind me and I couldn’t see the wonderful people around me that I can talk to. There’s always someone to talk to. If you can’t talk to human, talk to your maker. God watch over us at all times.
* Forgive to be happy: this will be the hardest thing to do, I know because I have been there. Forgive not because he deserves it, but because you deserve to be happy. Forgiveness totally sets you free.

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